This is a tricky post to write, and one I considered not posting at all. I'd like to start by saying that I am of course delighted to be pregnant and know that I'm very lucky, especially after a previous miscarriage.
However, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that ever since we found out we were pregnant, I've been imagining our unborn baby as a girl. Swooning over pink clothes and imagining all the fun mummy and daughter activities we were going to do. I love all things Disney and girly and delight in making up dance routines with my nieces so I was fully embracing my future daughter and all the girly things we could do.
Until they told me he was a boy!! I wont lie, whilst I was beyond relieved to see that tiny heartbeat flickering away and to see his tiny arms and legs waving around, when they said he was a boy I felt really disappointed. While my fiance whooped in delight with tears in his eyes, I held back tears for a completely different reason.
The sadness lasted all the way home - whilst being sure not to let on how I was really feeling - and the more I thought about it the worse I felt. I felt like a terrible person and a horrible mummy.
But let me just say now that these feelings are normal. I love the little baby boy growing inside me more than anything in the world and I will love him twice as much when he's here - just as much as I would have loved a girl. That doesn't mean that I cant mourn the loss of something I had imagined in my head.
I googled gender disappointment when I got home, the way I seem to be googling everything in this pregnancy and there's quite a mix of opinions out there. Of course, many of the judgy forums have people telling you how terrible you are but there are also a lot of people also going through it. From first time mamas like me to those with 4 girls already who are dreaming of a boy.
The fact is it is normal, hormones are all over the place and while all we want is a healthy baby, its okay to have had plans for one sex or the other. And like my fiance points out - maybe our little one will love Disney just as much as me and will shun football for dancing! Whatever he does, he'll be ours and we'll love him regardless.
